Jaded

It's hard for me to put into words the way I'm feeling today. I feel disheveled and unsure. I don't really know what i'm doing anymore, or what I should do. I want to pick apart my brain. So i'm just going to start rattling off every damn thought that comes into my brain. There is something genuinely disturbing about how painfully indecisive and unsure I am about nearly every decision I am faced with. I sincerely wish I was doing something with my life that I loved. And i'm just not. Sure, I can tolerate my job..I enjoy the company of the people I work with, and I have great bosses. But is this really what I see myself doing for the rest of my life??? Is this my destiny? And if it's not, what the hell am i doing?? How do I find something to do that I genuinely love.What steps do i take?? I don't want to just start going to school 100 different times to test things out. It just sucks because the whole motto around the town is "Just be thankful you have a job." I AM thankful to have a job. I'm thankful to be making money. But i'm BORED, and I wake up every morning with a general feeling of "UGHHHH"  I ache to just get home and be with Josh, cause that's really my only source of genuine happiness! And it shouldn't be that way!! Should it??? Is this just the way it's going to be? We're all just little robots that march around and do non fulfilling jobs just for the sake of money. Granted, I know I need to make money, It is an absolute necessary evil-i'm WELL aware. But is it so much to ask to feel a sense of happiness and enthusiasm, OR maybe even some form of desire to go to work? Or is that just some kind of fantasy land I have brewing in my mind. Maybe It is. I just feel really out of sorts about the whole thing. I just wish there was a clear cut answer to it all. Maybe I wouldn't be so depressed. Now absolutely don't get me wrong, I know i'm probably making it seem overly dramatic, and like i'm employed in some kind of hell hole. That's NOT IT AT ALL,I don't have any truly awful things to even say about it..but i don't feel any sense of accomplishment or worth. My life is just so blahhh. OVERLY standard, and I can't stand it. But how do I change it? What do i do, what steps do i take? I know everyone says this, but can't I just win the lottery or even just some kind of jackpot. I'm not picky. Idk, I just feel like at the rate i'm going, i'll look back on my life with a lot of regret. And not as a whole, because I have an amazing and supportive husband and family, and not everyone is blessed with that. It's just where i'm at personally. Very lacking. And I know whatever change I wanted to make, Josh would be behind me 100% every step of the way, but I just don't know where to start! Blah dee blah...I know i'm just talking to myself. I need HELP!!!!!

Oh my Gosh you guys!!

Well I guess I need to first begin by saying HOLY COW it's been forever since I last posted. It's not that I don't want to post more often, I just can never think of anything to write about. Except for when I'm sitting in traffic or something stupid like that. THEN it's like, OH EM GEE, I could write about this and this and oh that! But then as soon as I sit down at the computer, it's like "uhh duhhhh, I are so interesting!!" And I don't think anyone enjoys reading things like that. I just need some inspiration, and I need to keep it.

Next order of business, and excuse my french, but holy shit you guys, I'M MARRIED!!! I look back on my last couple posts and it feels like such a distant memory already. It is absolutely CRAZY!! I know before I got married everyone told me that It would just come and be gone in the blink of an eye. And It was kinda just like "ohh yeah, okay sure." But seriously...what just happened?? You spend all this time preparing and stressing and planning and organizing for such a momentous life changing occasion, and then it's just over and your life is in full swing! I wish I would have had the whole day recorded just so I would have an extra opportunity to experience it, just because it is such a blur. Don't get me wrong, it's a big wonderful blur. The happiest, most exciting, butterfly filled blur. But still a blur. If I were to give any future brides any advice, it would be to #1 just relax and enjoy the day.. and to really soak everything in.Take many many mental pictures. And just remember that some things will go wrong, THAT'S OKAY!! I almost walked down the aisle without my bouquet! My maid of honor had to go running down like 3 flights of stairs during the processional to grab them. (Thank God for her) But as long as at the end of the day you are happily married, who cares what stupid minute detail goes wrong. But anyways, I'm married and I couldn't be more blessed. We have a wonderful little home, we both have jobs, we're both healthy, and we have lots of love! WOW! :)

Well I guess that's it for now, Hopefully I get some more inspiration before another 5 months comes and goes! I mean seriously!

Random Rant

So I was just watching Maury....(good start...I know..) And it got me to thinking, and the thinking bred a kind of rage inside me, and therefore i'll share it with all of you. About cheating. 


WHY?????!! I mean really. Why is cheating such a common occurrence these days. I just don't understand it and the thought of it absolutely infuriates me. Now i'm no stranger to cheating, and there is honestly nothing that makes you feel worse. IF YOU CAN'T STAY FAITHFUL TO THE PERSON YOU ARE WITH, WHY ARE YOU WITH THEM??? If they don't fulfill whatever need you have that is SO important to you, why don't you just cut the crap and BREAK UP WITH THEM? It's really so sad that faithfulness and honesty is so rare. SELFISHNESS HAS BECOME AN ABSOLUTE EPIDEMIC! But what I don't understand and what absolutely GRINDS MY GEARS about cheating is the person that is the accessory to cheating. The person that fully knows they are aiding and abetting to someones heartbreak. WHY WOULD YOU "HELP" SOMEONE CHEAT ON THEIR SPOUSE/GF-BF?? If you KNOW someone is in a relationship, WHY WOULD YOU still "date them"/sleep with them. Because we all know if the situation were flipped it would be a whole different story. It just pisses me off because Lord knows they will complain about how they can't stand cheating, if someone cheats on them it's unacceptable. Yet, they will go out and help someone they "like" cheat on their bf/gf. THEY ARE SO STUPID!!!! But unfortunately the cycle will never end because people will never stop being selfish. And that's just the sad fact of it all. If you are with someone that you KNOW is faithful to you, PLEASE don't take it for granted. I know I don't. 


And that's just my random rant for the day

Reception fun!

This Blog has turned into more of a wedding blog..at least for the time being. Mostly because that's all that's on my mind these days. anyways.Wellllll....Joshua and I went to tour a potential reception venue in St Paul. It's like 3 miles from our church and we really really loved it!! It's got so much character, so much class and very vintage. And that's really what I had in my mind even from the beginning. And not to mention it's affordable!! We are in discussions with the lady. Our date is open, and she has penciled us in for the date, so we'd just have to give our deposit! We're thinking this may be it people!! Josh got all giddy and happy while we were touring it...I think he kinda likes it a little bit ;) Queue the pictures..... Let me know what you think!! 

Stage area and dance floor

Just a view from some of the seating looking toward the main bar area

The 2nd bar area, more the wine/coffee bar

The fully stocked booze bar

Looking from the dance floor area toward the other bar room

View from the patio area

The white tables are where the food is served

Another pic of the patio area..very cute!

A bunch of cute built ins all over the place

Yippeeeee! Gettin somewhere!

I talked to the wedding coordinator this morning and we are officially scheduled for MAY 18th, 2012!! 

I'm singin the wedding day blues....

Josh and I have started getting down to it and making set plans for our big day. We have decided on May 2012, we are scheduled at the church for May 4th, But we may try to see if we can switch it to May 18th due to some "technical issues" within the family. But we'll see with all that. It's just getting to be such a headache. It is honestly no surprise to me that so many people choose to just elope. If that were an acceptable option within my family, I think at this point,I would definitely be leaning towards that route.
I mean, I always knew that weddings were expensive, but it was not until I started getting down to the intimate details of it all that I realized the sheer ridiculousness of the "wedding world." Things are so expensive!
I find it sad and almost troubling that the celebration of love and the decision to spend the rest of your life with someone turns into spending thousands of dollars on a show. Unfortunately, in all actuality, that's all a wedding has become. A show for your friends, family, and loved ones. A show that costs a ridiculous amount of money. 
It makes me sort of angry what the wedding industry has ultimately turned weddings into. Weddings now stand as a representation of a couple's wealth, rather than the representation of their undying commitment to one another. After all, this whole thing is about US. We are in love with each other, not our guests. Why is it so necessary spend all this money on the fluff?

I am literally trying to explore whatever options I can to make this wedding budget-friendly, and could use ALL the help I could possibly get. PLEASE?

Siiiiigh.....I am really hoping that within the next 4 months a money tree grows in my backyard. Or I work up the courage to rob a Bank.

Indeed