I find myself sort of caught in a blur that is the last couple months of 2014, and trying to wrap my mind around what's to come in 2015. After sort of wracking my brain about it, I decided that Facebook didn't seem like an appropriate outlet so I figured Hey, I have this nifty little blog over here just collecting dust, so why not blog about it??
I'm going to start back in October. I had remembered back in one of my ultrasounds I had while I was pregnant with Elsie that the doctor mentioned she saw a cyst on one of my ovaries. I wasn't overly concerned, but I decided it was worth it to check up on it. I need to be informed, whether it's good or bad. I had the ultrasound and was expecting to hear that everything was fine, it was just a cyst after all. I was met with some rather unsettling news instead. She basically told me that the cyst was gone, but one of my Fallopian tubes appeared to be damaged and dilated with fluid. She told me that often times it can be caused by an infection, but in my case it seemed to have been caused by the cyst. I was then told that the condition meant a few things for my future. She told me that if we wanted the possibility of kids in the future (which of course we DID) I would HAVE to get that tube removed. The fluid in the tube would make it impossible for implantation to occur. So basically I was declared infertile until I decided to undergo surgery. I felt devastated to say the least. I was told not to worry, that once I had the surgery that I could still get pregnant with just the one tube, but of course my mind always heads to "worst case scenario." What if there were something wrong with the other tube as well? Was I really destined to just have one baby? I had just had Elsie so I was stuck between worrying and feeling guilty worrying about my future babies when I had this beautiful new little miracle sitting right in front of me. Some women never get the gift of motherhood and I fully realize that, but I couldn't stop my heart from grieving in a way. In my mind, I truly felt like I had to bring myself to terms that she very well could be our only child.
I have to admit i'm sort of at a loss as to how to continue this story......
The doctor never explained to me what symptoms might arise from this condition. The only thing she did tell me was there was no rush to do the surgery, considering I wasn't in any pain or trying to conceive. (obviously) If any of those things changed, we would discuss our next steps more seriously. Right around the week before Christmas, I started noticing I wasn't feeling right. Especially tired, and just generally run down. I also had a bit of nausea and stomach pain here and there. I found myself wondering if it was due to this condition or if it was the flu, etc. (There's no way to explain the rest of the story without being extremely abrupt, there's just no smooth transition here. So I apologize to any of you that are still with me here) On Christmas Eve, I still was not feeling well and some of the symptoms I started feeling started to feel a bit like deja vu. We had to run to target and I told Josh I was thinking about buying a pregnancy test. It felt a bit cruel in a way to buy it because I knew it couldn't be positive. I was JUST told it was impossible. And it's not like I necessarily WANTED it to be, I just needed to know. So we got home and I took the test and it could not have been more glaringly positive. I literally watched the lines show up almost immediately. My stomach and jaw dropped to the floor. Josh and I basically sat and practically cried and laughed together like crazy people for an hour straight. Other than the obvious concerns, I was pretty worried about the potential that it could be an ectopic pregnancy. After the holidays were over, I got right on the horn with my doctor who set me up with an ultrasound right away. (I might also mention that she immediately backtracked on all the "facts" she had faced me with) We went to the ultrasound the same day and there it was, the little bean with the fluttering heart that I so vividly remember. (gee wonder why) And it was in the right place, not ectopic. Due date is 8/19/15, yes that's 5 days BEFORE Elsie's birthday.
I had/have such a mixture of emotions revolving the whole thing. It's crazy because when I thought I might not have this opportunity again, I would lay in bed at night and pray to God so hard to not let that be our story. And then he didn't, and I suddenly wasn't happy. I felt like a spoiled little brat that got exactly what she wanted, but not on the right day. "I wanted this more than anything, but not NOWW!" I mean, how crazy is that? I literally had to just take a step back and realize how ridiculous I was being. Life is a gift, and God makes no mistakes. CLEARLY this baby was meant to be. In a way I feel like it was God's way of shaking me and saying "I am the be all and end all, NOT your doctors. Trust in MY guidance, not theirs" After that day, I stopped praying for certain things, I didn't plead for XY&Z, I simply thank him for all he's done, and say "I trust You." Sometimes I'll find myself laying there just saying that over and over again "I trust You" and slowly I can feel the knots unraveling.
I will be 8 weeks on Wednesday. I have really struggled with when I was going to tell anyone publicly, or if I would at all. I felt like I should be embarrassed. Here I am with a 4 month old, and I am already pregnant. I feel like people will think we're just reckless, careless people. We aren't, we are just a couple of people that were told this could.not.happen and somehow it did anyway. That's besides the point. I'm not sharing before the "safe point" because I feel confident in this pregnancy by any means, because I don't at all. I'm scared to death. There really isn't an outcome that i'm not afraid of. I'm terrified that I'll lose this baby, and i'm terrified to have a newborn when my BABY is turning 1. I'm just afraid. I'm sharing so early because I feel like i'm getting to a good place. I want people who love me to know, and I want them to pray for us. (I'm also fully aware that by doing so i'm setting myself up for ridicule from certain people) If something bad happens with the pregnancy, God forbid, I don't think that I should feel ashamed that people knew about this baby. I will know I have many shoulders to cry on and feel a sense of comfort in that. So yes, we're going to have Irish twins. Never thought in a million years it would be us, but it is. How can I look at Elsie and even for a minute feel like this baby is a mistake? I would be out of my mind. I need all the prayers, love, and support I can get. I have a very long, scary road ahead of me. (Here we go again)
SO here's to 2015 and our RAPIDLY growing family, I hope you're looking forward to more weekly belly updates, this time featuring Elsie! :)
