Well this post is bound to be all over the place, but i'm having an overwhelming feeling to spew out all kinds of thoughts at once.
This is kind of a rhetorical question of sorts, because I know one time or another, everyone has. But have you ever laid in bed, and for whatever reason your mind wanders off to this dark and worrysome place? It's like the one time of the day that you'd like to just shut off your mind, and it just goes crazy. And sometimes, it's just busy thoughts like what you have to do, or how the day went. But sometimes for no reason at all, it's like a mixture of terrifyingly sad things.
Last night as I lay there in the dark, out of the blue-My mind felt it necessary to contemplate death. And not even my OWN death, but my husband dying. Now, don't ask me why, because believe me, I laid there and begged myself to just stop thinking about it. But to no avail, and the mere thought of it just tore me apart, I felt like I was being suffocated. I felt like I never wanted to let him go. Like my heart was just going to explode with how much I loved him, and how I don't know what I would ever do without him. And even today, i'm feeling the effects of it. I feel completely anxious and nervous and like I can't catch my breath. Mortality in general, let alone the mortality of your loved ones, is so so scary.
Aside from it being quite disturbing (and maybe not the healthiest way to go about it), It really yanks out these pure, unadulterated feelings of appreciation. of LOVE. Although, I know just thinking about it is nowhere near what it actually feels like to lose someone you love, it's just that it makes you think. What would you do? If you lost that person, would you look back and find their quirks annoying, or would you miss them terribly? Would you still be pissed off about the crap they left on the floor or the stupid thing they said, or would you wish everyday to have those pieces of them around or to just hear their voice?
The problem these days is that we never see the big picture. It's all about the here and now. Our personal journeys tend to lead us down roads of selfishness. We dwell on these petty little things that end up ruining our relationships. That, or we just completely take the great things we have for granted, until the day they are literally pulled away from us. We need to not dwell on mortality, but it's important to always be aware. I think the days that we are nasty to each other and ungrateful are the days we have this idea that we'll always be around to make it up.
